Wednesday, February 28, 2007



I’ve got a theory on most conspiracies, but if I told most of them there’d be an empty chair in my office within the hour, with just the palpable whiff of organic oregano and vicks’ vaporrub left to prove I ever existed.
Conspiracies, you see, are not a work of fiction, by and by. I wrote a whole movie script, tentatively called Conspiracy Theory II, which was suppose to star James Woods and Sandra Bullock, riffing on the Mel Gibson/Julia Roberts film, but it seems the theories scribbled inside, well actually scribbled atop the napkin, made the film executives a littttttttllllle nervous. Funny, within weeks all had been replaced by bobbleheaded androids eager to make Eddie Murphy movies. That’s a different conspiracy altogether.
However, some theories I can share, like this Ontario gas crisis.
Some refinery somewhere is closed due to something like a fire, yah, that’s the ticket. A big fire. Shut the whole system down, nearly blew a crater the size of Donald Trump's ego in Newark, or somewhere equally as odious.
But you didn’t hear this from me. It seems — and I heard this at a very well-placed water cooler — Prime Minister Harpor has called in one of his markers with his Big Oil Buddies, aka BOB. Seems BOB, who while a little tired with Steve’s antics around pretending to be a ‘so-called environmental-ly aware’ guy, is willing to put his money where his mouth is. That’s besides the leadership he bought Steve way back in 2002, and all those annual directed cheques by shareholders and employees to the tune of the annual allowable donation rate that keep finding their way to the CON-soivatuve party orifices.
Yep, BOB is anxious. All this talk about Dion, Kyoto and pressure on the oil industry to become responsible citizens was making him a bit twitchy. He even complained to Media Emplre Gang, MEG for short, who are, like BOB, counting the days 'til the CONservatoids get unfettered access to the levers of power. Nuff of this minority stuff. Even Steve, usually the picture of cold and calculating, began to perspire tepidly on his brow, sort of like that time he was forced to wedge a hoss-like cowboy hat on his honkin’ head, at the thought of being squeezed out of his comfortably corpulent office with its hotline to the local Popeyes chicken shop.
Oh, right, this conspiracy on oil. Well, BOB got the thumbs up to put the screws to Ontario, and a tad to Quebec. But Steve said don't mess up my deal with Gene. OK, sez BOB. Seems Steve isn’t a fan of Ontarians anyways, despite it being his birthplace. Oh, you didn’t know that?
Well, when he isn’t cavorting with satanic republican evil-doers, sacrificing kilograms of kitten fur to the Neo-Con God, Steve is dancing to the tune of BOB.
And BOB agreed with Steve about sending a message to those who were thinking that envirominty stuff would be easy. Make them get a taste of just the kind of scary stuff Steve would be dishing out come election-fright time. Higher taxes, bicycle tie-ups along the 401 during rush hour. Power outages and gas shortages, oh my!
Cut off their gas, BOB said. After a few moments deliberately deliberating, Steve let out a hardy laugh and said it sounded like a perfectly snapp-tapiliish idea.
And so, within a week, the pumps became dry. Yep, it has nothing to do with that refinery, you see. That was slated for regular maintenance anyways. And have you heard of any other places suffering, like Alberta? Ohio? Of course not.
Sometimes, these conspiracies are too easy.

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