Friday, October 26, 2007


Damning Evidence #2 on Colonel Harper's Mystery Convalescent Preposterouso Tour:
It's all about the language, or what pops up into Canada's First President's head. He loves those stubby sentence constructions, perhaps because it worked so well for his favourite action hero, George 'Hell No, I won't Show up for My National Guard Duty! Bush. Anyhoo, today's class will dissect one of Harper's more famous one-liners: "The Country Is Unified."
He's also used the term 'more united', of course using the ubiquitous reference to THAT Past Government, those darn dividing Liberals.
In unified, he is leaning on the Gaelic-Hun translation, which is: 'to bring together in conflict. Also see, 'Alcoholic rage leading to forgotten fine motor skills.'
The evidence as to Harper's unifying talents are plenty, and let's be sure to highlight the best ones. Naturally, whenever you get one province taking the Federal Government to Court, you've got a heaping amount of unity on the way. Nothing, other than a restraining order hand delivered by some burly cop, says unified like a law suit. Of a subsection to this item, we have the "calling one's bluff."
You can't tell your dance partners apart when they coddle and cuddle so, right?
Our PM is an equal-opportunity uniter, as evident with his efforts to bring together angry, white Quebecois over the terrible threat of muslim women. Then there was one of his inaugural attempts at bringing people together, sending a letter to a right-wing newspaper to announce that First Natives shouldn't be so united with the water. Hmm, funny, I seem to recall him using this tactic before...

And any great unity guy needs a tango partner, and so for Harper's Peaches we have finance finagler Flaherty's Herb. The mathematical answer to incongruent continence, Flaherty has taken his boss' message to heart. He stepped into it royally with the Atlantic Accord by signing a letter which threatened 'No More Side Deals!', angering rappin' Rodney...
Most recently, Flaherty took up the fight by uniting Canadian retailers and the image of Ebenezer Scrooge prior to the three ghosts. Not one to let facts, reality and the science of free market supply and demand get in his way, the Finance Minister challenged Canadian retailers to 'Stand Up for Canada or I'll have to Stand UP and Buy This Book!' Nothing says 'Unity' like a good hearted 'blamin'. Canadian consumers went to bed with smiles that night, I bet.
Here's hoping Harper pulls off the ultimate unifying job, getting progressives back together for a happy ending!

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